Marriage: Contract or Covenant?

God designed marriage as a covenantal relationship between two imperfect people and Himself. He is the third strand that strengthens it and protects a relationship from being easily broken. But we live in a contract-based society.

Take our cell-phones for instance. I go into the store and pick out a phone. If I were to simply buy the phone it would cost me $700, but if I sign a 2-year contract that says I’ll buy my cell service from them every month, they will give me the phone for $100. They scratch my back so that I’ll scratch theirs. But what if I find a better plan a few months later? No problem, I can just pay a sum of money and break the contract. The tacit agreement between the consumer and the producer is this: So long as the producer supplies me with something that meets my expectations at a price that I’m willing to pay, they will get my business. However, as soon as they are no longer meeting my expectations or the cost exceeds my perceived value or there is someone offering a better product at a smaller cost, then I’m out. 

Now, this works well in a consumer-based society; in fact, that’s what drives our economy. But it becomes a dangerous mindset to bring into a marriage, because marriages are not intended to be contracts, but rather covenants. What’s the difference? Well, it all comes down to our focus. A contract is me-focused (I enter into it to meet my needs.) A covenant is we-focused (we enter into it to mutually meet one another’s needs).

Contract                          vs.                        Covenant
What will it take?	Whatever it takes!
I’ll meet your needs IF you meet mine.	I’ll strive to meet your needs, regardless.
I’ll meet you half way.	I’ll give 100%.
What do I get?  (self-focused)	What can I give? (Other-focused)
For as long as we both shall love.	For as long as we both shall live.
Conditional and impermanent.	Unconditional and permanent.

Our society treats marriage as a legal contract that can easily be dissolved or broken for any number of reasons: “We fell out of love.” “He just wasn’t meeting my needs” (in other words, he wasn’t living up to my expectations). “We have irreconcilable differences.” This, by the way, is the number one reason people give for divorcing. And it’s undoubtedly true, because every couple has irreconcilable differences. Every couple is made up of two people who have different perspectives and different desires, and no matter how similar they are they will always have differences. The question is what do we do when we come face to face with them?

If you view your marriage as a contract, then as soon as you run face-first into one of your differences, you will naturally begin to look for an out. You will begin to compare your marriage to your perception of others’ marriages, or you will begin to resent your spouse for failing to live up to their end of the agreement. Suddenly, you find yourself flirting with the idea that this isn’t your fault, you just married the wrong person. And once you begin to embrace that idea, you’ve unwittingly unlocked the back door to your marriage.

But if you view your marriage as a covenant rather than a contract, then you will recognize that there simply is no backdoor to marriage. Despite what our society or our legal system say, the marriage bond is permanent, not because we are perfect people who perfectly keep our vows, but rather because it was God who unites us as husband and wife. Jesus himself said that “what God has joined together, no man has the authority to separate” (Matthew 19:6). In other words, the covenant between a husband, wife and their God is unconditional and permanent.

This alters the way we approach our differences, doesn’t it? When there is no back door to marriage, this means that we are in it for the long haul, despite our differences and disappointments. Since there’s no backing out, when we encounter conflict as we inevitably will, it does us no good to grow resentful and detached. Instead of pulling away, the covenant reminds us to lean in and fight for our marriage – this includes working through the disagreements, seeking to understand one another’s perspective, and striving to articulate our perspective in a tone and manner that won’t put our spouse on the defensive. The covenantal perspective of marriage reminds us that we are one flesh, partners unified in our commitment to God and one another, not for a season or until we’ve lost that loving feeling, but for the rest of our lives.

This may sound like a heavy burden - a life sentence even - but it is really a blessing. Since there’s no backdoor to marriage, it forces us to work through the hard stuff and face our differences head on. And as the saying goes, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I can say from experience that my marriage has not only survived but thrived because my wife and I couldn’t run away from our conflict. Sure we fight and we get emotionally overwhelmed at times, but at the end of the day we both know that God can help us navigate around any obstacle we face, even if we don’t see a way through. And so, after a brief cooling off period, we turn our hearts back towards our spouse and, with God’s help, we get back to work, because we know that we’re not in it alone. God is with us, and if He’s with us, even our irreconcilable differences don’t stand a chance.