The Lord's Prayer - Part 5

Lead Us Not Into Temptation

This week, we’ve been slowly working through the Lord’s Prayer. And as we’ve seen, it’s more than simply an incantation by which we force God’s hand to do what we want. Rather, it is a declaration of our dependence on our Father in Heaven, who stands above the chaos of our circumstances but still cares about us as we walk through them.

As we dive into the final part of Jesus’ prayer, let’s ground it in the context of the whole thing:

"This, then, is how you should pray: 

   ‘Our Father in heaven, 

      Holy is your name.

   May your kingdom come, 

      and your will be done, 

      on earth as it is in heaven.

   Give us today our daily bread.

   And forgive us our debts,

      as we also have forgiven our debtors.

   And lead us not into temptation,

      but deliver us from the evil one."

                             - Matthew 6:9-13

Now, it would be easy for us to misunderstand the last part of the Lord’s Prayer as suggesting that God intentionally tempts us to sin, perhaps to see if we'll give in. Otherwise, why would Jesus use the language, “lead us not into temptation?” But we know from James 1:13-14 that God doesn’t tempt anyone.

“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.” James 1:13-14

So God’s not the one doing the tempting; it’s our own impulses towards things we yearn for that lead us into dangerous territory. I can think of a lot of temptations in a season like the one we’re in:

·       We may be thrown off by the radical changes to our daily rhythms that this pandemic demands. If so, we might be tempted to ignore the requests to shelter in place and go on with life as usual, regardless of the consequences.

·       We might be fearful that God won’t provide what we need in this time of scarcity, and so be tempted to run from store to store to stock up on anything and everything we could ever need.

·       In our hunger for interaction with the wider world, we could be tempted to fill our days with social media, which is like cotton candy - momentarily satisfying but lacking the relational nutrients we really need.

·       Nobody knows what’s coming next, and that’s frightening. But in our fear, we might be tempted to spend our days consuming every news report that comes out so that at least we won’t be taken by surprise.

These are just a few of the temptations we might feel in a time like this. I’m sure you could add others. In fact, take a moment and consider what you’ve been feeling lately and what you’ve been tempted to do in order to alleviate the discomfort.

No seriously, stop and think about it. I can wait…

Now, I want to be sure to mention that it’s not sinful to be tempted. Jesus was tempted, but he was without sin. He just never gave into his temptations. He never allowed them to dictate his actions. The same holds true for us. We will all be tempted. But our temptations only become sinful when we give into them and allow them to lead us away from our trust in and dependence upon God.

So the last part of the Lord’s Prayer is simply a cry to our Heavenly Father for protection from the things that would draw us away from Him and make us vulnerable to attack. Most of those temptations originate within us and arise in response to our fears and appetites. But the words “deliver us from the evil one” acknowledge that we have an enemy that is actively working to distract, discourage and dishearten us.

We are told that the devil is like a prowling lion, roaming around looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8) And like any lion, he tends to attack us when we are at our most vulnerable – in our moments of weakness and isolation. But that’s why it’s so imperative that we remember that we are never alone. Though we may be separated and unable to gather together with one another, our Father is always with us and He’s greater than anything we will face – greater than a virus, greater than anxiety, greater than financial hardship, greater than our enemy.

And we can take comfort in God’s promise that he won’t allow us to be tempted beyond what we have the ability to endure.

 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

So Father, we thank you that you never leave us or turn your back on us. And we’re grateful for the ways that you provide a way out when we feel tempted to stray from your side. So we choose to fix our eyes on you and follow your lead. We know that you won’t lead us astray, and that you are so much greater than our enemy. So Father, lead on. We will follow. 

Lord's Prayer - Part 4

The Prayer of a Forgiven People

Today, we are going to explore the topic of forgiveness, but before we get to that, there is one huge assumption that Jesus made when he taught his disciples the Lord’s Prayer: he assumed that the person praying actually identified as a child of God. After all, if we don’t accept that God is our Father in Heaven who is Holy (and therefore worthy of our respect), then we’re not going to be interested in seeing His Kingdom advancing into our world, or His will being carried out in our spheres of influence. And if we don’t accept God as our Heavenly Father, then we won’t look to Him to provide what we need - our daily bread.

But if God IS our Father, then it follows that our values would reflect His values. Or at the very least, as members of His family we’d desire that our values be a reflection of His. And this is nowhere more important than when it comes to forgiveness.

   Forgive us our debts,
       as we also have forgiven our debtors.

A debt is something owed to another, and when someone owes us, we’re usually pretty aware of it: If someone runs into my car, they owe me what it costs to fix the damage. If someone says something rude to me, they owe me an apology. If someone takes something that belongs to me, they owe me that thing back. Right?

My guess is you can think of several things that people owe you. Take a moment to think about it. And I’m not just talking about money or things people have borrowed. Think of people that have wronged you, hurt you, sinned against you.

Are you thinking of someone? Maybe a couple people? What is it that you feel they owe you? What is it you want from them?

Repayment? 

An apology?

That they feel bad for what they did? 

That they suffer like you’ve suffered?

But forgiveness is the act of releasing someone from what they owe us, without the expectation of repayment, and as children of God, He calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven.

One of Jesus’ disciples asked him how many times we should forgive someone. “Up to seven times?” the disciple asked. According to Jewish rabbinic teaching, if someone harmed you three times, you were to cut that person off and have nothing to do with them. This disciple doubled that number and added one. I’m sure he felt he was being overly gracious. But Jesus blows his idea of grace out of the water:

“I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:22) 

In other words, never stop forgiving. Never run out of grace towards others. Why? Because God has already forgiven us more than we could ever hope to repay. Consider how much selfishness and rebelliousness was nailed with Jesus to the cross. It would be ridiculous not to show the same sort of grace towards others.

Jesus illustrates this point with a parable about a servant who owes his master more money than he could ever repay. If he’d tried, even if he’d paid every penny he earned at the average daily wage, it would have taken him 200,000 years to pay it all back. Yeah, he owed a lot.

But here’s the crazy thing: when the servant begs for patience, his master not only relents, he actually forgives his debt in full. The servant didn’t have to pay back a penny. I bet you wish someone would do that with your mortgage, huh?

Later on, this servant runs into a man who owes him a whole lot less (about 1/600,000) of the debt he’s just had forgiven. But rather than show mercy to the man who owes him, he begins to demand repayment and even goes so far as to have the poor guy thrown in jail.

You can read the rest in Matthew 18:21-35, but let’s just say that when the master finds out, it doesn’t go so well for the unmerciful servant. And the point of Jesus’ parable is that it is both unfitting and spiritually dangerous for children of God to be unforgiving towards others. If we hold onto grudges and slights, then we have no right to ask for forgiveness from our Heavenly Father.

Now, forgiveness is not the same as ignoring abuse or submitting to more of it. If someone is being physically or emotionally abusive towards you, Jesus is not suggesting that you allow this person to continue hurting you. All it requires of us is to release this person from the debt we feel they owe us, just as we have already been released by God. And as has been said many times before, when we hold onto grudges or unforgiveness, we are actually hurting ourselves. It is like ingesting poison and hoping the other person will die.

Nor is forgiveness the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness requires one person to release another; reconciliation requires both people to want the same thing. While reconciliation can happen, and I pray that it does, all you can do is choose to release the person from the debt they owe you. It may be hard, but I can assure you, the debt you forgive is far less than the one your Heavenly Father has wiped away for you.

Father, thank you for the immense gift of grace you shower upon us day after day. As your children, we pray that you would help us reflect your heart. We invite you to search us and unearth any bitterness, anger, resentment or unforgiveness that has taken root in our hearts. And when it is exposed, we pray that you’d give us the courage and strength to lay our right to demand repayment. Help us to forgive as we have been forgiven. Amen

The Lord's Prayer - Part 3

Give Us Our Daily Bread

We have been journeying through the prayer that Jesus modeled when his disciples asked him how they should pray. As we’ve seen, he begins by reminded us who we are praying to: God is our Heavenly Father who loves us, but He also transcends our momentary circumstances, standing above them. And because He is God and we are not, it is His Kingdom purposes that we are looking to advance, His will that we pray will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

However, our own needs matter to our Heavenly Father, and as we come to the central verse of the Lord’s Prayer, and it could not be more personal:

“Give us today our daily bread” - Matthew 6:11

Intellectually, I’ve always known that this is a declaration of dependence upon our Heavenly Father.  But as someone who has grown up in an affluent family in America, praying for bread has never felt all that pertinent. I’ve often viewed "bread" as a metaphor for money rather than food. After all, whatever I’ve needed has been available, either in my fridge, my pantry or just down the street at any of a dozen stores. All I’ve needed was the money to buy what I wanted. It wasn’t until I saw lines wrapped around my local grocery store that the thought crossed my mind: will I be able to feed my family?

For many of us, this current crisis is the first time we’re experiencing a true sense of scarcity.  It may be the first time in our life when we truly feel dependent on God for what we’re going to eat. But for the Jewish community, dependence upon God was a central part of their national identity. After all, for forty years, God had placed them in a state of daily dependence on Him for their sustenance.

After God led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt and brought them through the Red Sea, they found themselves in the wilderness, with Egypt behind them and the Promised Land somewhere ahead. But all they could see in that place was their hunger, and they began to grumble against God, and romanticize what life in slavery had been like.

But God had a plan.

“The LORD said to Moses, ‘I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them at twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.” (Exodus 16:11-12)

And that’s just what happened. That evening, a flock of quail settled in the camp and provided meat, and in the morning a strange bread-like substance appeared on the ground. The people had no idea what it was, so they called it mana, which means “What is it?”

But God unexpectedly commanded the Israelites not to collect more than they needed for that particular day. No more quail than they and their family could eat for dinner, and no more mana than they needed to last them that day. In other words, no hoarding.  Why? Because God wasn’t just providing for their physical needs. He was teaching them to trust Him.

Each day, He wanted them to go to bed with full bellies but nothing left in their tent, so that in the morning, they would wake up with the knowledge that their survival was dependent upon His provision.

Of course, many of the Israelites struggled with this directive. They hoarded meat and mana, stashing it away in the back of their tent in case their heavenly Father didn’t come through the next day. But God wasn’t thwarted by their disobedience; any excess that they kept overnight was spoiled in the morning, because He alone was to be their provider.

The current toilet paper shortages are a reminder that we still haven’t learned to trust God. We may pay lip service to Him, but deep down we all feel a lot better when we have a nice big cushion of food and TP in our pantry just in case He doesn’t come through. But at what cost? Perhaps our heavenly Father is inviting us to literally trust Him for our daily bread. What if this season is about more than merely surviving – what if He wants to use this time of scarcity to show us that He truly is our provider.

Admittedly, both my wife and I have been concerned about the shortages we’ve experienced. Both of us have stood in those lines outside of our super market. But through this whole crisis, do you know who hasn’t worried about what they will eat? My kids. Because they know their parents will take care of them.

In the same way, Jesus’ prayer reminds us that our Father in Heaven is our provider, so we don’t need to worry. He’s got us, and He knows what we need even when we don’t. And that’s why just a few verses later in the very same sermon where Jesus teaches us how to pray, he reiterates our need to trust God:

“So I tell you again, don’t worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the unbelieving world runs after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. Instead of worrying, seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 631-34)

Father, you know what we need before we ask. Yes, we need food, we need money, we need TP. But even more than those things, we need you. We pray that you will use this time to teach us to remain dependent upon you. And as you did for the Israelites in the wilderness, we pray that you will use this time of scarcity to grow our faith – to increase our trust in you. So Father, we ask that you would give us the bread we need for today and no more. Because you are our Provider and you are enough. Amen.

The Lord's Prayer - Part 2

Your Kingdom Come…

Yesterday, we began an exploration of the prayer Jesus taught his disciples. He told them:

"This, then, is how you should pray: 

"Our Father in heaven, 

   hallowed be your name.

Your kingdom come, 

   your will be done, 

   on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts,

   as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

   but deliver us from the evil one."

                             - Matthew 6:9-13

Our goal is not simply to memorize the words of this prayer, but rather to understand the heart behind it. As we saw yesterday, Jesus began his prayer by grounding it in two crucial aspects of God’s character: He is our Heavenly Father who loves us, but He is also the Holy Creator and Owner of this universe who stands above our momentary trials and is not overwhelmed by them.

After rooting his prayer in a recognition of who we’re talking to, Jesus continues with these words:

Your kingdom come, 

   your will be done, 

   on earth as it is in heaven.

Now, before we can ask ourselves what God’s kingdom is like, we should first define what a kingdom is. In his book The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard explains that “a kingdom is anywhere that the sovereign’s will is done.” In other words, a kingdom is the sphere of influence where the sovereign ruler has his or her way. So if the king were to say, “Blue is my favorite color, so I want everyone to paint their houses blue,” then you’d have a pretty good idea where the boundaries of his kingdom are based off of where the blue houses stopped.

A kingdom is a place where the sovereign ruler’s will is carried out. 

So that means the Kingdom of God is wherever God’s will is done.

When you think about it that way, the statement, “Your kingdom come, your will be done” is a little redundant. If God’s kingdom truly breaks into our reality, then His will really will be done here just as it’s done in heaven.

But how does this happen? How does God’s will get done here on earth? Through the citizens of His kingdom. Of course, this raises another question: who is a citizen of God’s kingdom? According to our definition, a citizen of God’s kingdom would be anyone who willingly chooses to do God’s will.

The first and greatest example of this is Jesus himself. When crowds began to follow him and started talking about making him king of Israel, Jesus declared, “I have come down from heaven not to do my will, but to do the will of him who sent me.” (John 6:38) And He was the first person in history who faithfully did God’s will, even when it cost him. 

This is nowhere better illustrated than on the night before he was crucified for our sins. Keep in mind, he wasn’t looking forward to the cross. He wasn’t a masochist who liked pain. As he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, he cried, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup [of suffering] from me.”  I suspect I would have done the same thing. But he didn’t stop with that plea. He continued, “yet not my will, but yours be done.” Even in the face of unbearable suffering, he was willing to carry out the will of His father.

Similarly, if we choose to submit to God’s rule in our life, if we choose to live in accordance to His heart as revealed in scripture, and submit to the still, small voice of His Holy Spirit, then we truly are citizens of His Kingdom here on earth.

The truth of this perspective is backed up a little later in the Sermon on the Mount when Jesus warns his listeners, “Not everyone who calls me Lord will enter the kingdom, but only those who do the will of my father in Heaven.” (Matthew 7:21) In other words, if you claim to trust God and follow Him, then you’ll actually submit your desires to His. You will be willing to model your life off of his and obey the nudging of God’s Spirit within you. Otherwise, it’s just lip-service. And there were plenty of people who paid lip-service to God without backing it up with their actions. That’s why both the Father and Jesus lamented about people who “honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.” (Isaiah 29:13; Matthew 15:8)

But how does this apply to prayer? Well, even in our prayers, as children of God and citizens of His kingdom living in this world, our greatest desire should be to see His will done and His kingdom advance. And if our desires conflict with what God wants, then it is His will that should take precedence in our hearts. 

Admittedly, our prayers are not often that lofty. More often than not, they have more to do with our own needs and desires. But there’s space in Jesus’ prayer even for that, as we will see tomorrow.

On Earth as it is in Heaven
Newport Back Bay

Lord's Prayer - Part 1

Our Father in Heaven...

Given all that is going on in our world right now, it has never been more important to be a people who pray. So over the next five days, I am going to be writing a devotional working through the Lord’s Prayer. After all, if we’re going to learn how to pray, there’s no one better to teach us than Jesus.

You’re probably familiar with the words of the Lord’s Prayer, but it never hurts to be reminded, so here is what Jesus taught his disciples:

"This, then, is how you should pray: 

"Our Father in heaven, 

   hallowed be your name.

Your kingdom come, 

   your will be done, 

   on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts,

   as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

   but deliver us from the evil one."

                             - Matthew 6:9-13

Each day we will unpack a verse of Jesus' prayer, so let's begin with the first part:

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name."

Far too often, we approach prayer like a shopping list. "God, I want good health, the stock market to rebound, and some toilet paper. Oh, and if it's not too much trouble, can you get my boys to be nice to one another?" The problem with this approach is it treats God like an Amazon fulfillment center. We give Him our wish list, pay for it with good behavior, and then we expect Him to deliver it in 2-days or less.

But I've got news for you: God is not Amazon. He's not some cosmic vending machine that we an control. He's the creator and sustainer of the universe. He made us in His image to carry out His will, not the other way around, so we need to keep who we're talking to in perspective. 

That is why when Jesus taught his disciples how to pray, he began by rooting his prayer in who God is:

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name."

There are two crucial parts of God's character that Jesus identifies: He is our Father and He is Holy. Let's take the second part first.

Hallowed (or holy) simply means "set apart" or "other." And it reminds us that our God stands above all the chaos we're experiencing. He's not swept up in it or overwhelmed by it. What's more, God isn't shackled by the same limitations we are. He may have created time, but His perspective isn't limited by it. He knows the end from the beginning. He's not surprised by what we're going through, and He knows how He will use it to bring about His purposes and plans.

So God is not some cosmic vending machine that we can use to get our way. He is our sovereign God and He is worthy of our reverential respect. But this fact is balanced by the other aspect of God's character that Jesus highlights: He is our Heavenly Father.

While He may stand above the chaos of our current reality, He also chooses to enter into it, to remain intimately connected with us. And as our Father, He cares deeply about us. And that's why we can come to Him with our cares, our concerns, and our cries for help.

The beauty of Jesus' opening is that it grounds our prayers in the truth of who we are talking to: He is our loving Father who wants to talk with us, but He's also our transcendent God whose ways are higher than our own and who sees what we're going through in the context of the whole scope of history. So His response to our prayers will never be short-sighted or insufficient.

God, we thank you that you are God and that you are in control. But we are so grateful that you are also our Heavenly Father who hears our cries and cares about us, your children.

Sweet Sorrow: Finding Hope in the Face of Death

Today a friend of mine breathed her last breath and went to be with Jesus. I’m writing this through tears, but not for the reasons you might think. Please allow me a few minutes to explain; I promise it will be worth your time.

I haven’t known Julie long. Five weeks ago, a friend of mine from church called me and asked me to come speak with Julie. She explained that Julie had been battling liver and kidney disease for years and that the doctors had only given her a matter of weeks to live.

When I first saw Julie, she looked like she already had one foot in the grave. Her body was frail, her shoulders were bowed under the weight of her prognosis, and her eyes were haunted with a mixture of sadness and resignation.

Without thinking, I blurted the first greeting that came to mind: “Hi, I’m Eric. How’re you doing?”

She just looked at me with a look that said, “Really, that’s the best you’ve got?” and then she said matter-of-factly, “I’m dying.”

I may have held my smile, but inside I was thinking, “Mayday, Mayday!”

Over the next hour, Julie and I talked about the diagnosis, the overwhelming sadness, the fear she had as she faced her own mortality. She spoke of her concern for her husband, who had already lost both his parents and was in denial about her impending death. And as I listened, I heard Julie’s hopelessness. She was barreling at full speed towards a cliff in a car without a steering wheel and she was powerless to stop it, powerless to avoid the crash.

What do you say to someone who has no hope?
What words can you say that won’t come off sounding trite and dismissive?

I could only think of one thing to tell her, one thing that has given me hope in the midst of my own sorrow: words that comforted me as I held my wife’s hand through not one but two miscarriages. Words that I held onto like a drowning man as I watched my second-born son (born 11 weeks prematurely) laying in an incubator struggling to breathe through lungs that were not yet fully formed. I shared the words that gave me hope in the midst of my darkest valleys, when the shadow of death blotted out the sun and cast everything in somber shades of gray.

They are words that Jesus spoke to his disciples as he was sharing his last meal with them, as he was facing his own impending death. He looked at his closest friends and warned them, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world.”

There’s no way his disciples could have understood what he meant at that time; they were still thinking he was going to be a conquering king, not a suffering servant who would die to give us life. But Jesus’ words came to have deep meaning to them after that first Easter, when they saw the empty tomb and saw their risen Lord. His words gave them hope in the face of the trials and persecution they faced, and they continue to give hope to Christ-followers today as we live our lives in this sin-scarred world.

In this world we will experience pain, we will be persecuted for our faith, relationships will suffer, our bodies will break down, and we will taste death. BUT we can take heart in the fact that because of what Jesus did on the cross 2000 years ago and because of the fact that he rose from the dead, he has overcome the world. This is the hope that we have in Jesus, that the brokenness of this world doesn’t get the last word: that broken relationships don’t get the last word, that broken bodies don’t get the last word, that kidney and liver failure don’t get the last word and that even the grave doesn’t get the last word.

God does.

I shared this with Julie as she sat staring at her hands, lost in her thoughts. And I told her that I couldn’t even begin to imagine what she was going through, but that Jesus could. He’d faced his own mortality, embraced it willingly, because he loved us more than he feared the suffering he was about to endure. But he also rose from the grave, conquering death and declaring once and for all that sin and brokenness and death don’t get the last word. I told Julie that because Jesus is alive, she didn’t need to face what was coming alone. She could invite him to walk with her through this, as her comforter and guide.

Julie chose to embrace Jesus as her savior and her lord that day. She accepted the gift of grace that he’d bled out on a cross to purchase for her. And I left her with a hug and a promise to follow up with her in a few days.

Later that week, I went to visit Julie and her husband Dan at their home. When I saw her, I once again said the first thing that sprang to mind, “How’re you doing?” (I’m a slow learner). Now, keep in mind, she was still dying, her body was still emaciated and frail, but she looked at me with eyes that were full of hope and she said, “I’m tired, but I feel at peace in the midst of this.” She had a totally different countenance, because she knew that because of her faith, her disease won’t get the last word.

That day, she requested two things of me: First, she asked me to baptize her as a public declaration of her decision to follow Jesus for the rest of her brief life and beyond. And then she asked me to officiate her funeral. Talk about conflicting emotions. Of course I said yes, though like her husband I wanted to focus on the former, not the latter.

So three weeks ago, I gathered with Julie, her husband and 20 of her closest friends on Balboa Island to celebrate her commitment to following Jesus. And you know what? Far from being a depressing memorial service for a dying woman, it was a celebration of a living hope in her living Savior and Lord.

                         

This morning, Julie’s body gave up the fight. She spent her final hours laying in a hospital bed, with her husband Dan laying next to her, holding her frail body as a morphine drip took the edge off her pain. And then, at 5:30 this morning, Julie passed from her husband’s arms into Jesus’ arms. She is out of pain, free from the brokenness of this sin-scarred world.

Goodbye, Julie. Thank you for all you’ve taught me in the short time I’ve known you. I will miss talking with you, miss getting encouraging voice mails telling me you’re praying for me, miss getting to pray with you. But I take solace in the knowledge that I will see you again – that your death doesn’t get the last word.

God does!

Marriage: Contract or Covenant?

God designed marriage as a covenantal relationship between two imperfect people and Himself. He is the third strand that strengthens it and protects a relationship from being easily broken. But we live in a contract-based society.

Take our cell-phones for instance. I go into the store and pick out a phone. If I were to simply buy the phone it would cost me $700, but if I sign a 2-year contract that says I’ll buy my cell service from them every month, they will give me the phone for $100. They scratch my back so that I’ll scratch theirs. But what if I find a better plan a few months later? No problem, I can just pay a sum of money and break the contract. The tacit agreement between the consumer and the producer is this: So long as the producer supplies me with something that meets my expectations at a price that I’m willing to pay, they will get my business. However, as soon as they are no longer meeting my expectations or the cost exceeds my perceived value or there is someone offering a better product at a smaller cost, then I’m out. 

Now, this works well in a consumer-based society; in fact, that’s what drives our economy. But it becomes a dangerous mindset to bring into a marriage, because marriages are not intended to be contracts, but rather covenants. What’s the difference? Well, it all comes down to our focus. A contract is me-focused (I enter into it to meet my needs.) A covenant is we-focused (we enter into it to mutually meet one another’s needs).

Contract                          vs.                        Covenant
What will it take?	Whatever it takes!
I’ll meet your needs IF you meet mine.	I’ll strive to meet your needs, regardless.
I’ll meet you half way.	I’ll give 100%.
What do I get?  (self-focused)	What can I give? (Other-focused)
For as long as we both shall love.	For as long as we both shall live.
Conditional and impermanent.	Unconditional and permanent.

Our society treats marriage as a legal contract that can easily be dissolved or broken for any number of reasons: “We fell out of love.” “He just wasn’t meeting my needs” (in other words, he wasn’t living up to my expectations). “We have irreconcilable differences.” This, by the way, is the number one reason people give for divorcing. And it’s undoubtedly true, because every couple has irreconcilable differences. Every couple is made up of two people who have different perspectives and different desires, and no matter how similar they are they will always have differences. The question is what do we do when we come face to face with them?

If you view your marriage as a contract, then as soon as you run face-first into one of your differences, you will naturally begin to look for an out. You will begin to compare your marriage to your perception of others’ marriages, or you will begin to resent your spouse for failing to live up to their end of the agreement. Suddenly, you find yourself flirting with the idea that this isn’t your fault, you just married the wrong person. And once you begin to embrace that idea, you’ve unwittingly unlocked the back door to your marriage.

But if you view your marriage as a covenant rather than a contract, then you will recognize that there simply is no backdoor to marriage. Despite what our society or our legal system say, the marriage bond is permanent, not because we are perfect people who perfectly keep our vows, but rather because it was God who unites us as husband and wife. Jesus himself said that “what God has joined together, no man has the authority to separate” (Matthew 19:6). In other words, the covenant between a husband, wife and their God is unconditional and permanent.

This alters the way we approach our differences, doesn’t it? When there is no back door to marriage, this means that we are in it for the long haul, despite our differences and disappointments. Since there’s no backing out, when we encounter conflict as we inevitably will, it does us no good to grow resentful and detached. Instead of pulling away, the covenant reminds us to lean in and fight for our marriage – this includes working through the disagreements, seeking to understand one another’s perspective, and striving to articulate our perspective in a tone and manner that won’t put our spouse on the defensive. The covenantal perspective of marriage reminds us that we are one flesh, partners unified in our commitment to God and one another, not for a season or until we’ve lost that loving feeling, but for the rest of our lives.

This may sound like a heavy burden - a life sentence even - but it is really a blessing. Since there’s no backdoor to marriage, it forces us to work through the hard stuff and face our differences head on. And as the saying goes, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I can say from experience that my marriage has not only survived but thrived because my wife and I couldn’t run away from our conflict. Sure we fight and we get emotionally overwhelmed at times, but at the end of the day we both know that God can help us navigate around any obstacle we face, even if we don’t see a way through. And so, after a brief cooling off period, we turn our hearts back towards our spouse and, with God’s help, we get back to work, because we know that we’re not in it alone. God is with us, and if He’s with us, even our irreconcilable differences don’t stand a chance.