Sharing Our Comfort by Sharing Our Grief
By Leslie Chaney

My son was tragically killed when he was only 26. Words cannot express the anguish of losing a child, and for years I was drowning in my grief. But I didn’t grieve alone. My Father God was there with me, even if I couldn’t always sense His presence. And one day, God used this verse to remind me that He could even use my pain to help others.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 

Comfort is an interesting thing. Like grief, it’s not one-size-fits-all. People don’t receive comfort in the same way. One person may want to be left alone, while another may not want to be alone at all. Some people don’t’ want to hear or read anything, while others like myself want truths to hang onto as the waves of grief crash over us.  During my grief, I read many comforting books like a “A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss” by Jerry L. Sittser. I also researched and studied the scriptures for truths about grief to find some solace there. But not everybody does that, because what comforts one person may not comfort another.

So what are we to do when we seek to comfort someone who is grieving? Here are a few suggestions from one who not only walks with people through grief regularly, but has walked through my own grief:

While we may be in the same storm, we’re not all in the same boat: How one person responds to a painful loss can look radically different from another. Their reaction to loss can be affected by a lot of things: Their current circumstances (financial, relational, etc.). How close they were to the person or thing they lost. Whether they have unprocessed loss in their past that is triggered by this current loss. Don’t think that everyone’s grief looks the same.

Let Them Cry: No one likes to watch the person they love break down. You feel powerless and desperate to ease the pain. But if your response to the grieving person's tears is "don't cry," even if it is meant in a comforting way, you are essentially telling them not to feel their emotions. If their grief is causing tears, then crying is a part of their grieving process. It is something they have to go through. Let them know that it is safe to cry in front of you. And remind them that it’s safe to cry out to God. He can handle our emotions. He can take our messiness, and He cares. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

Be Real: It is both obvious and uncomfortable when you spew out clichés because you are (understandably) at a loss for words. Saying "It will be OK" doesn't help anybody because it isn't OK now. Be real. Tell them, "I don't know what to say, but I am so sorry and am here to help you in any way you need.”

Avoid Empty Clichés: Please don't say things like, “At least they're in Heaven." "God works in mysterious ways." "The Lord does everything for a reason." The “reason" doesn't matter right now — what matters is that someone or something that was dear to them has been lost. Leave the workings of God to God. Trying to second guess God is patronizing and minimizing as Job and his friends found out.

Give them room to grieve in unique ways: There is no right or wrong way to grieve after a loss. Don't tell them that they should be over it by now. Don't tell them that their grieving process is incorrect because it is different from yours. You need to give them room to experience mourning in their own personal way.

Be comfortable with silence: Silence can feel incredibly awkward. However, often there are no words that can help, so don't feel like you have to fill the silence while they grieve. The most important gift you can give someone while they walk through their grief is your presence. Spend time together, on the couch, on the beach, on Zoom or on the phone, even if you don’t say anything.

Let them talk about things over and over. One of the most important roles that you will take on during this awful time is that of a listener. They may initially react to the loss by not wanting to open up at all. Let them know that you are ready to listen whenever they are ready to talk. Once that moment comes, they may need to vocalize the same emotions or memories over and over, don't tell them that you have already heard the story. Just listen again and again.

Offer practical help: Don’t just say, “I’m here to help if you need me.” Be specific. You can offer to help plan the funeral, run to the grocery store, walk the dog, do their laundry, etc. Let them know that you are available, and suggest specific ways to help.

Remember that grief doesn't have an end date: Once the initial period of grief has passed doesn’t mean the grieving process is over. Just because someone begins to return to their regular routines, starts to laugh again, and seems to be fine doesn’t mean they are fully finished with their grief. Grief will wash over them like unexpected waves, hitting when they least expect it. That’s normal. Additionally, anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays will be heartbreaking for a while, but you can be there and help them get through it.

Don’t Grieve Alone: One of the hardest aspects of this pandemic is the way it’s forced us to be separated when we long to be together. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find community and support as you walk through your own grief. Lighthouse’s Grief Share Ministry that I lead is meeting weekly via Zoom. GriefShare offers a safe place for us to process our grief together, and to share our burdens so that the weight of our emotions isn’t so overwhelming. If you’d like to find our more, please email me at gsgriefsjourney@gmail.com.

Perhaps one upside to the pandemic is that everyone is grieving simultaneously. Whether it’s a death, a canceled vacation, or a layoff, the whole world has lost something. Though it’s hard to endure, I take solace in the fact that we have a Father in Heaven “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:4)